


let me stay in this dream

by zhuzhting



Category: NINE PERCENT (Band), 偶像练习生 | Idol Producer (TV)
Genre: Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-05
Updated: 2018-06-26
Packaged: 2019-05-18 14:15:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14854316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zhuzhting/pseuds/zhuzhting
Summary: “What are you?”Zhengting raises an eyebrow. “Your brother.”“You’re dead.”Zhengting nods. “I am.”





	1. Chapter 1

The last thing Justin expected to see when he opened his eyes was his brother. Seeing your brother perched on your bed in the morning might be normal for many people but Justin’s brother wasn’t supposed to be here.

Zhengting had died 10 years ago.

He stared. The image of his brother stared back.

He blinked. It blinked.

Well, this was awkward.

“Am I high?” He wonders aloud, reaching for the digital clock on his bedside table. Zhengting gives him a disapproving look and Justin feels his head for lumps-maybe he had hit his head last night. “It’s too early to be tripping.”

Zhengting looks exactly the same as he did years ago. Except that he looked older, the chubby cheeks and baby fat were now replaced by muscle, but this was still definitely his brother. He still had the same dark hair that seemed to be forever messy and the same bright smile that unnerved Justin because this hallucination really shouldn’t smiling at him as if his brother wasn’t dead.

Zhengting pulls the blanket off of his little brother’s form and the voice that left his throat was uniquely Zhengting, with the same authority and playfulness as he had when they still played together and he was the leader. Zhengting’s voice had always been soft despite how loud he was sometimes and Justin didn’t know how to feel after hearing it again all this time. “Get up! You have school today.”

“I’m on break.” Justin sits up, rubbing at his tired eyes and blinking away the last vestiges of sleep from his senses. “What are you?”

“Your brother.” The hallucination says without missing a beat. He looks at Justin in the way he did when he was trying to say _you’re so silly._

Justin didn’t like this situation one bit. What was this hallucination doing appearing in front of him and playing with his mental stability? As if he wasn’t messed up enough, which really he was, he admits begrudgingly to himself.

“No,” Justin corrects, speaking slowly and making sure every word was enunciated properly. “What _are_ you?”

Zhengting raises an eyebrow. “ _Your brother_.”

“You’re dead.”

Zhengting nods. “I am.”

Justin was sure that he hadn’t taken any acid since last week. Had all the drugs finally come to haunt him in the form of his dead older brother?

“Why are you here?”

Zhengting folds the blanket neatly, setting it onto Justin’ bed. Looking as calm as ever, as if he wasn’t supposed to be dead and six feet under the ground. “I’m here because I have something to do.”

Yes, it was certainly the drugs.

Justin forces his brain to rationalize, pushing the unwanted thoughts from ten years ago to the back of his mind. “What?”

“I don’t know.” His brother says and there’s something about how unworried he is that makes Justin feel on edge.

Justin’ eyes look into his brother’s, calculating. He reaches forward catching his brother’s pale hand in his own before recoiling almost instantly, as if burned by the touch of his brother’s skin. His hand was warm, it felt human–alive.

Zhengting looks at the place his hand was touched before putting it down. “Where are the others now? Why aren’t you at home?”

Justin rubs the back of his neck. “I moved out. The rest are still at home”

Zhengting’ eyes widen in surprise, but then he nods as if it wasn’t much of a shock and Justin _refuses_ to be that predictable.. “Why would you move out?”

Justin shrugs his shoulders noncommittally, pushing himself out of bed and stretching his arms up as per his usual morning routine. “I have my reasons.”

Zhengting drops the subject, looking down at his brother before giving him a hug and, wow, he was warm, and tall. Justin notes in irritation that he still had to look up at his brother to properly talk to him. Even when dead, his brother was still taller than him. This must’ve been a manifestation of his insecurities.

“What do we do now?” Zhengting asks, pulling away.

Justin thought about it for a while, but his body seemed to choose for him. He frowns down at his hungry stomach. “We eat.”

\--- 

“What are you doing here?”

The boy who opened the door scrutinized Justin with his eyes. The pressed shirt and black slacks he had on made him look older than he was and an identification card hung around his neck. He was obviously going to intern at the law firm again this year, always the hardworking one.

“Nice to see you too, my dear brother.” Justin greets sarcastically pulling his hood down from his head.

Zhengting pushes Justin away and gave him a hug, “Hyungseob!”

Hyungseob doesn’t even notice the body when Justin almost falls from the light shove. As much as Justin hated it, this Zhengting was definitely stronger than him, that much was proven when he opened the jar of peanut butter Justin failed to even loosen during breakfast, and Justin really didn’t think he was this insecure.

“My shoulder is heavy,” was Hyungseob’s only acknowledgement of Zhengting.

“I knew it.” Justin mutters when Zhengting pulls away from Hyungseob, a disappointed look on his face.

Hyungseob tilts his head. “What?”

“Nothing.” Justin says, before holding out an envelope. “I came over to give my last report card. I need to let my guardian sign it.”

Hyungseob accepts the brown envelope, opening the door wider. “Do you want to come in?”

 _Formalities, formalities…_ He thinks wistfully.

Justin looks over at Zhengting, whose only response was, “I want to see the others.”

“Okay.”

The house looks the same as the day he left it. The pictures of his parents still hung on the walls. Some with them in it, they were incomplete in most.

Hyungseob hands him a glass of orange juice once they enter the kitchen before opening the envelope containing his grades. He scans the report card, lips thinning into a line. “Your grades are remarkable, as always.”

Justin takes a sip from the glass, looking away. “Thanks.”

Hyungseob still looks at him accusingly though. “But it says here that you skip classes.”

Justin shrugs.

“You can’t just do that Justin.” A deeper voice pipes in exasperatedly. Euiwoong and Seunghyuk entered the room, both sweaty and still in their running shorts.

Zhengting grins before bolting forward. He grabs both around the shoulders and hugs them as close as he could. Both have no reaction.

Justin shrugs again, putting the glass down onto the counter, already wanting to cut this visit short. “Okay.”

“You say the same thing every time, but you still skip classes.” Seunghyuk points out.

Justin doesn’t reply in favor of staring at a particular family picture on the beach, the last one they had as a complete family. Their parents were in the between him and Seunghyuk and Hyungseob was in front, leaning forward as to not block mom behind him and giving a peace sign to the camera. Euiwoong was beside Seunghyuk and Zhengting had his arm draped around Justin. Justin, himself, was grinning from ear to ear, something he has not done in a long time. Justin gazes at Zhengting the longest. His older brother was giving the camera his usual smile, unrestrained, bright, and Justin thinks that Zhengting’ smile never changes, even after death.

“Do you guys still think about Zhengting?”

The reaction was almost instantaneous. Euiwoong’s jaw tightens and Seunghyuk’s eyes glaze over with anguish. Hyungseob is the first to speak, tentative and quiet. “Of course we still do. Justin, are you having another problem?”

Justin flinches at that. “No.”

“Don’t try to change the subject.” Euiwoong says and Justin’s eyes harden because Zhengting was _right there_ and he wasn’t supposed to be there and Justin just didn’t know what was real anymore.

Justin balls his fist. “I’m not. I won’t skip classes anymore okay? I’ll attend classes when the school year begins.”

Euiwoong nods in affirmation. “Good.”

“Look, can you just sign the thing already so that I can leave?” Justin bites out, not really caring if there was reproach in his voice because he was never on good terms with his siblings to begin with.

Seunghyuk meets his eyes, looking hesitant. “Look, Justin, if you think you’re having _problems_ again you should talk about it.”

Justin hates how they skirt around him like he was going to have a mental breakdown because he was _okay_ and he didn’t want them looking at him like he was fragile anymore. “Can you just drop it? _I’m okay.”_

“If you just stopped it with the drugs we wouldn’t have this problem.”

Justin glares at Euiwoong wanting him to just _shut up and sign the report card already_. Seunghyuk and Hyungseob look at Euiwoong as if he had just kicked a puppy and Justin _hates it,_ he wants them to stop it with the acting like he was going to explode. Zhengting looks at the whole scene with a blank face and Justin wants him to react in some way, see what was happening while he was gone and being dead. His older brother, however, only observes and Justin can’t help but take note of how _mature_ he is now.

“As if you care,” Justin grinds out. “You’re the one who told me to leave and do what I want.”

Justin forces himself to relax, forces himself to unclench his jaw and unclench his fist that’s balled up so tight. He schools his face to give of a carefully practised indifference. “So if you please, sign the damn report card already.”

Euiwoong’s look hardens and Hyungseob hands him a pen wordlessly wanting to diffuse the situation but not really knowing how. He signs on the card sloppily and Justin takes it. He mutters a quick goodbye, shrugging off the hand Seunghyuk places on his shoulder, before leaving the door and walking back to his own place.

Justin gives Zhengting a look that’s almost pleading. “Don’t lecture me, please. Euiwoong does that enough.”

Zhengting walks next to him. “You were being rude.”

Justin snorts, kicking away a pebble indignantly. “They were being annoying.”

Zhengting raises an eyebrow. “You should go apologize.”

Justin glares at Zhengting. What did this hallucination think it was? His older brother? If this Zhengting wasn’t a figment of his imagination, Justin would’ve punched him. Who did he think he was? Being dead for ten years then coming back and bossing him around as if he hadn’t been…dead.

“No.”

The look Zhengting gives him is clearly that of disapproval. “You should at least listen to what they have to say.”

“They’ve been saying the same things for five years.”

Zhengting frowns a bit. “Where are mom and dad?”

Justin freezes, breath hitching and the gravel beneath his feet crunching at his weight because he thought Zhengting knew and it didn’t matter if this Zhengting wasn’t real, he shouldn’t be asking him these kind of questions that mess with his head.

“They’re dead.”


	2. Chapter 2

The look of surprise Justin gets from his older brother sends warning bells ringing in his head. Zhengting was dead, hallucination or not, Zhengting was supposed to save Justin the emotional stress and know about the death of their parents.

Zhengting looks as if he is unsure how to react, and Justin can empathize with that, he had felt the same way.

Finally, Zhengting whispers, “how?”

Justin feigns indifference, because it’s really all he can do right now to stop himself from screaming, or crying, or both. Certainly both. “I killed them.”

“Please, elaborate.” Zhengting looks at him oddly, like there’s something else he is seeing on his face and _no,_ Justin will not allow his dead brother to psychoanalyze him.

“Mom and Dad were never okay after you died.” Justin walks ahead already spotting his small apartment building. “I just made things worse with my mental crap.

“They were driving,” Justin blinks furiously because he wasn’t going to cry in front of this hallucination. Why was he even retelling this story? “I was being a brat, and the truck just came out of nowhere. I didn’t–I couldn’t–there was just so much blood and they didn’t wake up. I didn’t understand why they wouldn’t wake up.”

Justin laughs and it sounds manic, even to his ears. “Thank God the others weren’t in that car. I wouldn’t want to be responsible for the deaths of my entire family.”

He pulls out the key to the house. “They died and I lived, and that’s all. The end.”

Zhengting stares as Justin tries to open the door, he looks surprised. Justin pointedly doesn’t look at him and instead concentrates on the door. Even then, he messes up with the key a few times.

“Hey,” Justin says, slightly looking over his shoulder at Zhengting as he enters his house. “Do you think if we are able to do whatever it is that you need to do, that you’ll finally move on or something?”

Zhengting closes the door behind him. “Maybe, it’s what happens in the books right?”

“Yeah.” Justin mumbles. Maybe if he does this, _he_ can move on because he can’t really do this anymore. He can’t live with the image of the person he killed.

\--- 

“Zhengting is here.”

Justin hold up his hand, silencing his siblings. “I know it’s crazy, I know Zhengting is dead, and I know you’re probably not going to believe me, but he’s here and you just need to hear me out.”

Euiwoong looks irately at his younger brother, looking at Justin like he was acting out. “Justin, are you high?”

Ouch, that stings a little, but Justin already expected this kind of response. “I thought I was too, at first, but he’s really here. I haven’t touched acid for a week and he hasn’t disappeared yet. He’s been with me since yesterday.”

“Justin,” Hyungseob says tentatively, “have you been taking your medication?”

And this is the part Justin loathes, the worried looks they give him, like he’s about to lash out at any moment. It’s grating and he feels so small under their gazes. He doesn’t like being looked at like the child with mental issues anymore.

“ _Hyungseob,_ ” he mocks, turning his nose up and raising his voice an octave, “I have been off my medication for almost a year now.”

“When did you decide to stop taking your meds?” Hyungseob looks taken aback, and it’s stupid because they look even more alarmed now, like he wasn’t doing fine for the past few months.

Justin actually rolls his eyes. “When I stopped going to that snooty psychiatrist.”

At least they already knew this, they couldn’t really force Justin to go anymore since he didn’t cooperate even when he did.

“Justin, he was helping you.” Euiwoong says, looking equal parts livid and constipated. This had got to be a new record for Justin; he’s always been the best at making Euiwoong mad.

Justin already know this conversation is not going to go well, judging from the amount of times they are saying his name.

“No,” Justin stiffens, “he was _hired_ to help me. He only wanted your money.”

“That’s not the point Justin.” Euiwoong runs a hand through his hair. His hair looks messy, ruffled. Justin wonders if it was like that before he arrived or if his presence really irked his brother that much.

“Then what is the point?”

“The point is,” Euiwoong says lowly, secretively, “that you are seeing our dead brother.”

“Zhengting is right here.” Justin states matter-of-factly.

“Zhengting is not here.” Euiwoong enunciates slowly, as if talking to a child and Justin wants to laugh, and cry.

“But he is.” He insists, looking past Keith and at _Zhengting_. Zhengting doesn’t move, just stares at them, calculating, Justin isn’t really sure why he bothers to argue for Zhengting when he wasn’t even helping at all.

“No, he is not Justin!” Euiwoong is standing now, anger flickering in his eyes like a flame.

Justin’s lips curl under Euiwoong’s glare, a wry smile. “I can see him.”

“Justin, Zhengting isn’t here! He died ten years ago! He died and you lived!” Euiwoong looks inhibited, like a man possessed, and maybe he was. The words coming from his mouth certainly weren’t charming. “And all our lives ended when his did.”

“You were never obligated to take care of me.” Justin is calm; his words hollow because he has repeated those words again and again in his head.

Euiwoong is steadier now, breathing evening out. “Yes, we were. Justin we are obligated to take care of you because you are our sibling.”

And that was the only reason they took care of him.

Justin tries to recall a moment in his life when the world decided that his life was a teen drama movie. Maybe Lady Luck just really hated him.

He gets up languidly, his movements carefully giving off an apathetic aura. “I get it. I’m crazy, I know. Let’s just pretend this conversation never happened, okay?”

Seunghyuk lifts his hand, reaching out but not really touching him. “Let us help you, Justin.”

Justin turns to him, eyes cold and uncaring. There is a niggling feeling of hurt and Justin doesn’t like it one bit. He smiles, saccharine and a little too sweet to be anything but sardonic.

“I’m fine.” Justin walks out the door, a little too fast. He doesn’t bother to see if Zhengting is actually behind him. He needs to get high.

\--- 

When Zhengting does come back to Justin’ home, Justin is on his bed, arms moving animatedly. His eyes are glazed over and he is talking to a flying mint bunny.

“Hey, Lexi Bunny, how’s my mint bun doing?” Justin guffaws, blinking furiously. His eyes are unfocused and he barely registers the sound of the door opening and closing behind Zhengting.

Zhengting wasn’t gone long, he couldn’t have been out for more than two hours but Justin hadn’t really cared about whether or not his dead brother stayed out late.

“Justin,” Zhengting steps forward hesitantly, looking afraid to get near him. As if he was a trapped animal, and maybe he was just like that. At that moment Justin did not really care about the mildly sympathetic look on his brother’s eyes, a look that would’ve annoyed him if he wasn’t high.

Zhengting takes another careful step forward, “are you okay?”

Justin grins, he is feeling _perfect_. And numb, so delightfully numb. “I am fine yes.” He looks down at his body. “I am so _fine_.”

“Did you know,” he says solemnly, more of a statement than an actual question. “I was a mafia boss, once.”

Zhengting doesn’t reply, but Justin didn’t really seem to notice.

“I am in a land of beauty,” he stares at the ceiling, seeing the sky, and flowers, and flying mint bunnies. Lots and lots of flying mint bunnies.

“Lexi bunny, your friends came!” He exclaims, laughing when he reaches forward and can’t seem to touch any of the flying mint bunnies.

“Justin,” Zhengting sits next to him, looking serious. Justin doesn’t like looking at his serious face. “Why are you doing this to yourself?”

“Because the world looks better when you’re high.” He spreads his arms.

“Whoa,” Justin’ eyes widen, confused and awed. “I’m flying.”

He smiles serenely because he isn’t even in the same world as Zhengting anymore. “There is nothing nice about the world.”

Zhengting leans over Justin, so that they are looking at each other. He searches his younger brother’s eyes for any sign of proper thought.

When he speaks, his voice is pleading. “Justin, stop this.”

There are two Zhengting’s, one on each side of his vision. Justin shakes his head. “Zhengting, don’t look now, but there are two of you.”

Zhengting looks at him worriedly. “Justin…”

Zhengting 2.0 glares at him hatefully. “You are pathetic.”

Justin bites the inside of his cheek petulantly. “You suck.”

“Stop making that face.” He says, not entirely sure who he was talking to.

Zhengting looks gutted, like Justin just did something bad, and maybe that’s true but Justin didn’t care at that moment. Zhengting 2.0 only looks at him in disgust.

Zhengting huffs and squeezes Justin’ shoulder. “I’ll be back.”

Justin can’t understand why he’s leaving or where he’s going but he lets Zhengting go anyway.

Justin grins goofily up at his older brother, waving his hands. “Bye!”

Even after Zhengting has left the room, Zhengting 2.0 is still telling Justin how much he hates him.

There is a shift in his vision and, suddenly, water is everywhere.

It’s a suffocating feeling, water seems to fill the room, pushing his down and rendering him incapable to move.

Justin is _drowning_. He struggles, clutching his bed because he _needs_ something to hold on to.

Zhengting 2.0 watches him with pitiless eyes, mocking him with words that bite and wound.

He’s not sure which is worse, the drowning or the hate coming from his brother.

It’s dark and he can’t breathe and _oh my god_ he is going to drown. Except that he doesn’t.

He doesn’t, and that is the worst part.

He gasps for breath, and _sinks_.

Justin gazes up at the ceiling, breathing still ragged. A second passes.

“You’re not capable of doing anything.” The Zhengting 2.0 taunts, reminding Justin of his presence. “I hate you.”

“I know,” Justin says solemnly, “I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so, in regards to that last bit with the drugs, i'm not actually sure how accurate that is and i wrote that was i was like 14/15 so gfuebjdfh forgive me for any inaccuracies 
> 
> i hope ya'll like it regardless tho


	3. Chapter 3

 

Justin blinks up at the ceiling. He grabs a pillow and muffles his groan into it. _I did it again._

He rolls over his bed, pushing himself up into a sitting position. He feels ridiculously vibrant and it’s making him feel worse about everything.

He looks out of his window, noting how the sun has already risen and stretches. _I’m not ready to face real life._

He gets up and walks toward his closet rifling for a cleaner shirt. He’s halfway through putting on his shirt when the door opens.

“Justin?” Zhengting hesitantly calls out. “Are you okay?”

It looks like it isn’t the first time Zhengting has entered his room to check on him. Justin couldn’t help but appreciate the thought.

“Peachy.” Justin replies drily, pulling down his shirt.

Zhengting smiles then, looking really happy and Justin feels as if he made his brother’s day just by being okay.

Zhengting holds out a glass of water like some kind of peace offering, as if he was the one who messed up. “Here.”

Justin gives him a grateful smile, downing the drink vigorously.

Zhengting sighs in relief, like he hadn’t been breathing since he had come in. Justin briefly wonders where the other Zhengting had gone.

They’re silent for a while just relishing being in each other’s company. Justin is pretty sure this is the longest someone has ever been in his room, dead or otherwise.

Justin hums pleasantly, “why do you have to go?”

Zhengting tenses more out of shock rather than anything else and Justin suddenly wants to take back his question. “Oh Justin.”

The Justin is engulfed in the warmth of his brother as Zhengting wraps his arms around him. Justin drops the glass in surprise-a little grateful that it does not break-as he stiffens in his older brother’s hold. It takes him a moment to return the hug, grabbing onto his brother’s shirt for support because it’s been so long since anyone’s ever hugged Justin and he sort of misses it.

He presses his face into his brother’s chest and inhales. There’s a dampness that wasn’t there before and Justin realizes that those are his tears. _Huh, when did I start crying?_

“I don’t want to go either.” Zhengting murmurs into his hair quietly, like a secret for only the two of them to hear. Not taking into account the fact that only Justin could see or hear him.

A knock reverberates through the house, and Justin pulls away slowly, he eyes the front door warily. No one visits Justin, and he never invites anyone over.

_Knock, knock, knock._

Justin picks up the fallen glass and walks out of his bedroom, placing the glass on the kitchen counter as he walks past, Zhengting trails after him wordlessly and Justin wonders if he knows who is actually behind the door. He rubs his eyes, wiping his tears so that if anyone asks, he can deny everything.

_Knock, knock, knock._

Justin opens the door slowly, watching enough horror films to know that no serial killer attacks in broad daylight but knowing that the sun also did not stop killers from killing.

When his eyes process that the people in front of him are his siblings his eyes widen. “Wow.”

“Good morning.” Euiwoong raises an eyebrow, holding out a paper bag. “We brought breakfast.”

Justin takes the bag carefully and just sort of stares at it and then at his sibling, then back again. He is genuinely baffled and he thinks for a second that maybe he’s still high. “Wow.”

Euiwoong doesn’t look impressed, and Seunghyuk snorts behind him. “Can we come in?”

“Oh right.” Justin step back and opens the door wider. “Welcome to my humble abode.”

“You live in a shoebox.” Hyungseob deadpans as soon as the three of them are inside. He barely even looks around, taking in the entire place with a single glance.

Justin shrugs nonchalantly. His house is rather small compared to most with a mini-living room connecting to a kitchenette and the door of the bedroom right in front of the front door. It’s not much but it’s a little more than enough. “I manage.”

Seunghyuk unceremoniously drops on the couch. “We need to talk.”

“About?”

“About you seeing our dead brother.”

Justin purses his lips, “That makes sense.”

“Would you like to explain what that was about?” Euiwoong prompts, choosing to remain standing.

“Well,” Justin peers into the paper bag, eyes widening delightfully when he sees the sugar donuts. “One morning, I woke up and Zhengting was there. He told me I had to get up for school.”

“Since when have you been ‘seeing’ him?” Hyungseob asks and Justin roll his eyes.

“He’s only been here for a few days, idiot forgot about summer vacation.” Justin takes a bite out of the donut, relishing the sweetness. It’s nice to know he doesn’t have to prepare breakfast.

“Justin, we’re worried,” Hyungseob admits, finally getting to the point of their visit, to talk about Justin’s mental issues. “You shouldn’t be seeing Zhengting, you grew out of that. You were better.”

“No, this is different.” Justin says, pointing a sugar-coated finger at Zhengting’s direction. “Zhengting is really here.”

“No he’s not Justin.” Euiwoong says and Justin would be annoyed but he has a donut in his mouth and all is well when there are donuts.

Zhengting’ brow twitches slightly and Justin grins. _Serves you right for dying and not helping me out last time._

“He totally is though.”

Justin can see the frustration growing on Euiwoong’s face, but he doesn’t care all that much because he is feeling _brilliant_ and he is not letting any ghosts or older siblings or ghosts of older siblings ruin that.

“Zhengting is dead.” Seunghyuk reminds him, like Justin would just suddenly forget that he killed his brother. Zhengting’ jaw clenches at this and Justin smiles at him triumphantly, feeling smug.

“He is. I’m not saying he isn’t.” Justin says pointedly around his second donut. “I’m just saying that our dead brother is haunting me.”

“Zhengting isn’t here.”

Zhengting shouts in frustration, and Justin covers his ears, grinning all the while.

Zhengting pulls his hair in frustration. “I’m right here, you idiots!”

Justin offers him a donut. “They’re annoying, right?”

The others in the room look at Justin obviously puzzled.

Zhengting grabs a donut and bites into it in frustration.

“What the hell?” Seunghyuk says, eyes widening.

“Oh.” Justin says, his palm introducing itself to his forehead. “We are idiots.”

Zhengting blinks in realization. “ _Oh._ ”

For once, Hyungseob is speechless, opening his mouth as if to say something then closing it.

Euiwoong rubs his eyes as if he’s the delusional one.

“Ugh.” Justin groans. “I wish I was filming this.”

Euiwoong finally speaks, shaking his head, like he’s shaking away his thoughts. “Is that−“

“Yup.” Justin feels victorious; he now has a newfound love for donuts, they solve all his problems. He nudges Zhengting. “Say ‘hi’ Zhengting.”

A sugar-coated, invisible-to-his-siblings hand moves left and right.

Euiwoong sucks in a deep breath. “Bloody hell.”

Justin sends him a _look,_ feeling rather mortified. “You watch too many British shows.”

\---

“We are so sorry we ever doubted you.” Hyungseob says, still quite shell-shocked as Zhengting writes on a pink notebook to communicate to them directly. Honestly, Justin was just tired of playing pass the message.

They are seated on the carpeted floor and the past thirty minutes of Justin’ life was spent listening to his siblings’ apologies and explaining Zhengting’ predicament.

Justin shrugs. “I wasn’t really shocked, this did happen before. It was just _slightly_ different.”

“But still−“

“Shhh.” Justin says, pressing his index finger against Hyungseob’s mouth. “You’re ruining the novelty of you apologizing to me.”

Hyungseob glares at him, licking his finger.

“Ew.” Justin wipes his finger on Seunghyuk’s unsuspecting shirt.

Zhengting holds up the notebook he’s taken to use as a message board. _What do we do now?_

Justin huffs, “I don’t know. How should I know? It’s you who has to fulfil some ghostly goal or whatever.”

“Maybe it was something you wanted to do before you died.” Euiwoong suggests.

There is a moment of thoughtful silence, Justin doesn’t think about it much, choosing instead to scrutinize the notebook Zhengting is holding. Since when did he own such a flowery monstrosity?

Hyungseob blinks, suddenly remembering something. “Didn’t you want to make that tree house on the tree near our beach house?”

Seunghyuk nods in affirmation. “Yeah, I remember that. We were going to have a grand opening; we planned to cut a ribbon and everything.”

Realization dawns on Justin’ face. “Right. We were going to make it the next time we went there.”

 _There was never a next time._  He thinks bitterly.

Zhengting writes furiously, brow creasing. He lifts up the notebook, determination plastered all over his face. _Let’s do it!_

“But the beach house is pretty far away.” Justin says. “Plus, we haven’t gone there in ages.”

“It’s been maintained. I just went there last month.” Euiwoong pipes up, looking rather sheepish.

“So _that’s_ where you went.” Seunghyuk says accusingly.

“So we’re doing it?” Justin raises an eyebrow curiously. “We’re really going to build this treehouse?”

“Yeah,” Euiwoong confirms. “We’re doing it.”

Zhengting smiles and Justin can’t help but share the sentiment. For the first time in a really long time, their family feels like an actual family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i haven't been active much because of school orz but i'll try to finish this in the next few days
> 
> i'm sorry if this is poorly written oof i was 14 and stupid when i wrote it


	4. Chapter 4

“So we’re really doing this?” Justin asks, tilting his head back to look at his siblings.

“Yes, we are really doing this.” Euiwoong answers for the nth time, he grunts under the weight of the pile of wood he was lifting, the strain evident on his face.

“You know,” Seunghyuk says, driving a nail into a piece of wood. “You could help.”

Justin seems to think about it for a few moments. “Yeah, I could, _or_ I just remind you of how you didn’t believe me in the first place and how it is your fault why my mental health deteriorated the past few days.”

“ _Please_ ,” Zhengting says, carrying his bundle of wood effortlessly, Justin wonders what kind of gym they had in the afterlife. “We all know you can’t lift a piece of wood.”

Justin glares, all fiery and stubborn. “Shut up, I’m not going to let you bait me into carrying anything.”

His other siblings share a look, still not used to the fact that only Justin was able to directly communicate with Zhengting.

Hyungseob dumps a hammer into Justin’ hands as he walks past, ignoring the annoyed glare he gets in return. “Use this.”

“What is _this_?” Justin inspects the hammer with a hateful gaze, turning the tool in hands calculatingly.

” _That_ is a hammer.” Euiwoong answers, the usual amount of exasperation in his voice. He doesn’t get riled up as easily as before, Justin thinks it’s the guilt.

“I know what it is.” Justin shoots back, lifting the hammer up to eye level, as if it was an alien organism. “What do I do with it?”

“Here,” Zhengting says, grabbing his arm and dragging him towards the tree where the foundation of the treehouse is almost done.

“Hey, wait!” Justin digs his hells into the ground, but Zhengting is physically stronger, and it’s really pathetic how easily a ghost is able to pull Justin along. “I didn’t agree to do it!”

“You’re going to help.” Zhengting says firmly. “You want me to pass on, right?”

Justin flinches, eyes clouding over. _A one-sided hug, it’s cold, tears dampen the shirt Justin clings to–was it wet due to the tears or the sea? Justin can’t remember–desperate, no no nonono–_

“Y-yeah,” Justin answers, hesitation ostensibly unnoticed by Zhengting.

Zhengting grabs a nail, holding it steady over a piece of wood. He hold Justin’s wrist, showing him how to do it. “Like this.”

Justin brings the hammer up, focusing intently on the nail in front of him. Steeling himself, he brings the hammer down. “Like this?”

The tool smashes into Zhengting’ hand.

Justin lets out a string of curses when the hammer lands on his older brother. He drops the tool immediately. “Are you okay?”

Zhengting smiles, unrestrained and care-free, and it’s painfully the same as before. “I’m fine. I’m lucky you’re so weak.”

Justin huffs irately, he sighs in relief despite himself, “I’m sorry for caring, okay?”

Zhengting laughs, loud and his whole body shakes with it. _Was his laugh always like this? Maybe not, but it was still familiar, still Zhengting._ Justin can’t help but smile at that because, when his brother laughs like that, it feels like he’s alive.

\---

“Wow,” Justin breathes, blinking at the house perched on the tree. The sun was setting, the sky tinged pink, orange and blue.

“I know.” Hyungseob whispers beside him, gripping his hand tightly like a lifeline, something he hasn’t done since their parents’ funeral. Justin holds on to him just as tightly.

The house had taken three days to build (mostly because Justin refused to help and any attempt to get him to do anything was fruitless “how do you not know what a saw is?”). It wasn’t all that great, simple and sturdy enough to carry all of them.

Three days passed easily enough, the days and nights coming and going. Justin loathed to see it go. Those three days were the best he’s had in ten years.

_The days were better than the nights, the night were when he was alone, when he remember that there was no one to stay with him until he fell asleep anymore._

Looking at it was bittersweet. It reminded Justin of running around and playing hide and seek, of playing follow the leader. Memories so vague it was like looking through blurred glass, marred by the life cut short. It reminded Justin of the childhood he stole from Zhengting.

Seunghyuk was tying up the ribbon in front of it, securing the red silk-like cloth in front of treehouse like a boundary. Euiwoong brandished the scissors, holding it carefully.

“Done,” Seunghyuk announces, stepping back to stand next to Hyungseob.

They had all said their goodbyes earlier on, and Justin should be content with that, but he isn’t.

“Ready?” Euiwoong asks, not looking ready himself.

 _No._ “Yes.” Justin glances at Zhengting then, watches as he smiles and rocks back and forth on his heels excitedly.

He doesn’t understand how his brother is so happy, so calm when it feels like the world collapsing right from under him.

Euiwoong nears the ribbon, scissors at the ready and Justin closes his eyes.

He can’t look at his brother; he can’t watch his brother leave him again with the same easy smile on his lips. _Zhengting smiles when he grips Justin’ arm and Justin can’t comprehend how his brother was smiling when he was_ drowning _. Zhengting is still smiling when he pushes Justin up and away from the relentless crashing of waves. He’s still smiling when the waves finally consume him._

He is vaguely aware of Hyungseob’s hold on his arm tightening.

_Snip_

Justin slowly opens his eyes, feeling the warm tears spill down his face.

_He’s gone, he’s gone again and this time I let him go. He’s go–_

Justin spots a blur from the corner of his eyes.

“Yes!” There is a laugh, light and unbridled. “We did it!”

Justin’ eye widen at the sight of his older brother climbing up, up, up to the tree house, before finally settling on the edge, and swinging his legs around.

“Zhengting?”

Zhengting looks up, eyes meeting his, he grins, waving him over. “Come on!”

Hyungseob’s grip on his hand tightens almost painfully. “Wait, what? He’s still here.”

Justin nods numbly, and he isn’t sure if he’s crying in relief.

Hyungseob’s knees seem to buckle from under him and his hand slips from Justin’s.

He lets out a laugh then, uninhibited and so much like he used to. He hasn’t really sorted his emotions yet but, at that moment, he laughed in elation.

That was when he noticed how hard it would be to let go this time around.

\---

“Why didn’t he disappear?” Euiwoong asks later, looking forlorn and happy at the same time.

Zhengting was still outside, playing with the treehouse like a little kid, Justin didn’t mock him for it. It was after all, _his_ fault why Zhengting never got to live the life he was supposed to live.

“Maybe the treehouse wasn’t his wish after all.” Hyungseob suggested.

“No.” Justin said, guilt seeping into his voice. “He didn’t pass on because I didn’t want him to.”

Seunghyuk, ever the pacifier, shook his head. “It’s not your fault Justin.”

“You don’t understand.” Justin stressed, running his hand through his hair. “I didn’t want Zhengting to go. I was selfish, I wanted him to stay. I couldn’t–I can’t have him leave again.

“I was selfish. I would’ve done anything to get him to stay. I was _relieved_ when I saw him there. I was so happy.”

 _Zhengting was his rock and when he left, Justin was no longer tethered to reality_. _Zhengting was the person who asked him how his day went. He was the one who ruffled his hair when he felt sad._

_Zhengting was always his hero and, when he died, Justin died with him._

 “No Justin it wasn’t just you.” Euiwoong said, looking down at the floor. “I didn’t want him to go either.

“When you fell off that cliff, ten years ago, I couldn’t move.” Euiwoong’s hands shake, and he’s close to tears. Justin doesn’t move, frozen in his seat. “I knew what was happening but I was scared. I let Zhengting jump and I didn’t move. I was going to let you _die_ just because I was too scared to risk myself.”

Euiwoong lets the tears fall then but his words don’t falter. “I didn’t want to see you after. It’s why I let you move out. I didn’t want to remember that day.”

_He remembers talking to Zhengting over the phone two months after his funeral._

_“Justin, there’s no one there.”_

_“But mom! Zhengting said he wanted to talk to you!”_

_“Zhengting is dead! He’s dead Justin! My baby is dead because of_ you _!”_

_He remembers Zhengting whispering into the phone “I love you guys.” Before his voice is drowned out by the sound of crashing waves_

Hyungseob suddenly screams and it’s unusual, _weird_. Hyungseob is supposed to be the stable one. He buries his face into his hands.

“You were always closer to Zhengting and I hated how he doted on you. _Spoiled_ you. He loved you more than he loved any of us.”

_It’s wrong, so wrong._

_“Who do you love more? Me or them?”_

_“I love you guys the same.”_

_Zhengting was the only one able to love all of them at the same time._

“For a while,” he whispers, “I wish you had died instead.”

_Justin feels their eyes trained on him. People tittered and chattered away, whispering as if he couldn’t hear them_

_“–killed his brother.”_

_“–parents died in an accident.”_

_”–cursed child.”_

_Their words did not affect him, not when he repeated the same words to himself at night._

“I didn’t do anything.” Seunghyuk says, voice calm despite the tears he’s blinking away. “I saw what was happening to your mental health. I saw when you decided to turn to drugs and I did nothing because I didn’t wasn’t to get involved in the mess.”

_The first time Justin took LSD was when he was fourteen, three years earlier; he remembers the numbness he felt._

_He knew what was going on in his life, but he couldn’t seem to care. It was like watching his own life from someone else’s eyes. Justin embraced the numbness, encouraged the detachment._

_For once, he didn’t feel tormented by his own thoughts._

_And that was the best part._

Justin smiles then, watery and shaky, “I guess we are all just bad siblings then, huh?”

The all let out a laugh, like a dam opening. They let go and let their emotions consume them.

They laughed until their stomachs hurt, tears wetting their cheeks.

_“I love you guys.”_

It was the first time that Justin felt like he belonged.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey friends, so this is ending next chapter lmao. i still apologize if it's bad it's been so long since i wrote this and i liked the idea too much to let go. anyways i hope it's okay HAHAHAHHAHA


	5. Chapter 5

Euiwoong slings an arm around Justin’ shoulder, smiling and it’s so _weird_ but Justin is fine with weird. “Why don’t you call Zhengting so that we can talk about how to get him to pass on?”

Justin nods. He doesn’t like the idea of Zhengting leaving, but he _knows,_ somehow, that Zhengting can’t exactly stay either. He still clung on to his brother; he wanted him to stay with every fibre of his being.

The walk to the treehouse wasn’t supposed to be as hard as it was, it wasn’t supposed to take as long either, but it did and Justin really wasn’t ready to do any of this.

He climbed up to the treehouse, spotting Zhengting lying down on his back, eyes up toward the stars.

“Hey.” Justin greeted, sitting down next to Zhengting.

Zhengting grins at him. It looks off, forced and tight around the corners. “Hey.”

Justin reaches out to touch Zhengting, blinking when his brother cringes away. “What’s wrong?”

“S’nothing.” Zhengting mumbles.

The moon shines down brightly, light bouncing of the sea. A spot of light filters through the tree’s branches, going over Zhengting–no, going _through_ Zhengting.

Justin forces down his panic, reaching for his hand again. It’s cold, very cold, like ten years ago.

“Zhengting?” Justin asks, feeling his heart beat stronger, faster, _louder_ , and so loud he could hear it. “What’s going on?”

“Justin,” Zhengting coos, comforting as he sits up. “Justin, I need you to calm down.”

Zhengting holds Justin’ hand close, places it on his chest, where Justin can feel his heart beating steadily, but it’s so _cold_. He holds Justin’ hand like it’s something fragile even though it feels like his hands are fading from under Justin’.

“As I count up to three, you’re going to inhale. As I count up to five, you hold that breath and then release it when I say ‘five’ okay?”

Justin nod wordlessly, his entire body trembling because the cold is still there and it’s not going away.

“One, two, three.” Zhengting breathes along with him, sounding beyond ridiculous. Justin does as he was instructed. “Four, five.” Exhale.

They repeat it a few more times, until Justin doesn’t feel like his heart is exploding anymore.

“What’s happening?” He finally whispers once his thoughts have been sorted out.

Zhengting gives his a small, sad smile, the saddest look he’s ever seen on his brother’s face. “I got my wish.”

He thought so.

“What–? But how? Was is a delayed reaction to the treehouse?” Justin stumbles over his words, mind racing to draw up all kind of conclusions.

“My wish wasn’t the treehouse, silly.” Zhengting says, still smiling ever so sadly. “It was for you.”

“Wha–huh?” Justin sputters.

“I love you guys, you know that right?”

A nod.

“So, I couldn’t bear seeing you guys not get along.”

“What are you talking about?” Justin laughs drily. “We never got along.”

“Remember the last time we went to the beach?” Zhengting meets his eyes forcing him to remember.

Zhengting lets out a laugh then, weak, but with no hint of malice. “You were all still fighting, even then.”

\---

_Justin never got along with his siblings. He was the youngest, the odd one out._

_“I want to join!”_

_“No, you’re too young!” One of his siblings says, he couldn’t remember who, but that didn’t matter since the rest agreed anyway._

_It was a stupid reason to not let him in on their game; Justin knew that, so he heckled them, no matter how many times they rejected him._

_“Justin, you ruin all our games!”_

_Tears fall down his chubby cheeks then. He wipes them with the palms of his hands. If he starts crying now, he’ll only prove their point that he was just too much of a baby to play with the older children._

_“Hey, what happened?” Zhengting comes out from inside the house, covered head to toe in sunblock._

_He scolds his other siblings light heartedly, never being able to get mad at any of them. Justin can see them glaring at him still._

_Zhengting walks over to him, ruffling his hair and grinning from ear to ear. “Come on, don’t cry. Let’s go play.”_

_\---_

“You always cried when you fought.” Zhengting recalls, nostalgic.

Justin always admired his brother’s levity, his ability to fight off all negativity. Then again, he realizes, maybe his brother wasn’t always as happy as he seemed after all.

“And then you stopped crying.” Zhengting says, and it’s true, Justin has become indifferent, detached, ever since he lost his tether. “And that was worse.

“I wanted Euiwoong to share his thoughts. I wanted Hyungseob to stop pretending. I wanted Seunghyuk to show emotion.” Zhengting says, his words falling from his lips so fast it sounded more like he was rambling. “I wanted you to care again.”

Zhengting smiles–grins lips extending up–and it’s mirthful again. “Tonight, I got my wish.”

Justin marvels at his smile, because he feels like this may be the last time he would ever get to see it. He muses on the brevity of their time together. It would never be enough. He didn’t want to let go, not ever.

But he had to.

“Hey Justin are you okay?”

Justin gets up, waving the others over. He fails to notice how Zhengting’ hand slips away from his own.

Hyungseob looks up at him, “what happened?”

“Zhengting,” Justin looks back at where Zhengting was. His eyes widen, breath hitching when he sees the emptiness there. “Zhengting?”

He looks around frantically, panicked. “Zhengting?!”

“Justin!” Euiwoong calls out. “Tell us what happened.”

“Zhengting,” Justin whispered, desperate. “He’s gone.”

“What?” Hyungseob asks. “How?”

“His wish.” Justin replies jumping down so that they were all on the same level. “He got his wish.”

Before anyone could reply, Justin darts off, calling Zhengting’ name.

Justin runs, forcing one leg in front of the other, despite his breathing turning erratic. Somehow, he knows where to go.

_He’s standing on the edge of the cliff, peering below to watch the waves crash into the side of it. The sea doesn’t seem so far away and Justin thinks he can probably jump off without getting too hurt._

_Someone shouts his name and he startles._

_Then, Justin is falling._

Justin can hear his siblings shouting for him to stop. He doesn’t, his lungs burn for air, but he keeps on running.

_Justin is drowning, he’s sinking down, down, down. There’s nowhere to go, water is everywhere. He struggles, but he is still sinking._

Justin gasps for air as he runs, wind blowing against his face, he shouts, screams, _pleads_ for Zhengting.

_The waves relentlessly push him down. His seven year old body cannot fight it any more. He lets himself drown._

He reaches the cliff and his siblings catch up soon after. He shouts Zhengting’ name, he vaguely hears his siblings do the same, and he thinks they only do it for his sake.

His throat is dry, but it’s unfair, Zhengting cannot just disappear. Not without a proper goodbye.

_A hand grabs his arm, pulling him up, towards the surface, towards air. Zhengting smiles at him despite their current situation. He pushes Justin away from the harsh current. Away from him._

_Zhengting mouths something to him, smiling as if drowning was a game they played._

_He reaches for his brother, but he can’t and before long, the sea has taken him._

“ZHENGTING!” Justin cries out, voice cracking. “Zhengting…”

_No nononono_

_The next time he sees Zhengting, he is still. Cold._

_Justin clings to him, refusing to let go even as his father grabs him, trying to tug him away from Zhengting._

_His hero, his brother, didn’t move._

_Zhengting was cold, and that jars him the most._

_Zhengting is gone. Gone, gone,_ gone _._

“Hey buddy.”

Justin freezes, behind him, his siblings do the same.

Zhengting is there, standing on the edge of the cliff, the same place Justin remembers looking down from.

“Zhengting.” Seunghyuk breathes.

“I can see you.” Hyungseob whispers, more to himself than anyone else.

Euiwoong remains silent.

Zhengting looks surprised but quickly replaces his look of shock for one of mirth. “Hey guys.”

Justin wants to run away, but he also wants to run toward Zhengting. So he stays still instead.

“I’m sorry.” Zhengting says, looking a little pained. “I can’t stay anymore.”

Zhengting cries then, for the first time since he came back. Tears fall from his eyes, down his cheek, and onto the ground.

 _Pitter, patter_.

“I got my wish, so now I have to go,” he explains, looking at every one of them slowly, memorizing every detail.

“You’re all okay now,” he says. “You’re all getting along.”

“I’ll see you guys okay?” Zhengting cries, words barely above a whisper, but so clear to every single one of his sibling, who hung on to every word like they used to.

Zhengting smiles then, despite all the tears on his face. He grins happily, genuinely, like he couldn’t be happier.

Justin returns the smile; his is wobbly very unlike his brother’s unrestrained one.

“Goodbye.”

The sun rises and the light shines right past Zhengting, going through his fading body entirely.

Zhengting still smiles.

“I love you guys.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and that's the end of this fic! thank you to everyone who read all of this bullshit
> 
> i'll be updating my other fics + uploading new fics soon, probably on the weekend, thank you guys again huhuhu if ya'll wanna cry about anohana with me feel free to do so

**Author's Note:**

> hello friends i am back with a new work because priorities
> 
> this story is something that i wrote like 4 or 5 years ago for school i just tweaked it a little bit (changed the names and all that)
> 
> this story is based on the anime Anohana (i recommend you all to watch it and cry with me)
> 
> i hope ya'll like it. also, come talk to me on my [twitter](https://twitter.com/zhuzhting)


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